April 11

I avoid writing for a multitude of reasons.. I’m scared to put my thoughts on page because I don’t know how my story will end and I’m scared to let this be a part of my story because I don’t want it to be ALL of my story. But maybe that’s a good thing.. Maybe this isn’t the end of my story and I need to think of everyday as a step in the right direction.

“Even a tiny forward step is a step in the right direction, no matter how small.”

Tired

The more I learn about my disorders/conditions/illness? The better I feel in some ways because I feel like I’m not alone and not going to be like this forever but it’s also scary because it’s a real thing.. It’s not just school anxiety and depression from some of these events it’s an actual disorder that I’m probably going to need years of therapy for. I guess Serena Vanderwoodsen had to go to rehab too once.. Man I’m I tired of this tho.

My week away

I think that I worked through a lot of good things on this trip. It took a lot of crying and anxiety but overall the trip was amazing and the memories will last me a life time. I met this guy and he changed my perspective on so many things. I finally felt confident in myself and opened up more to a guy than i have since O.

He taught me that if one thing I’m glad that if O didn’t love me in the way he or I needed anymore I’m  glad for that. Otherwise, we would have got married and maybe had a kid and then been divorced because he never got to do what he needed to do to become a person and I never did either or at least try it out.

The trip taught me that maybe I attention to get the attention I don’t get or never have from my father. And I put up with guys shitty behaviors just for the attention. And I just don’t need that anymore.

I opened up to these two guys so much and they just loved me anyway. If not more. They loved us for us. For our silly dumb, sometimes drunk selves. Me crying and anxious. I’ve never even had a panic attack in front of my Dad. And I had one with each of them and talked about it.  And confronted it and told them my story. They understood and supported me.

And J supported me through it all and I am so happy that she’ll be my forever bro bro.

 

Talks with Leslie

“Why is she always staring at me?” is all I can think to myself every time I see her but I keep coming back because I know I have more to say, she knows I have more to say, we all know I have more to say but I think that’s my Grandpa in me to be stubborn like that.

This stare is different though. We’re coming close to our last paid for session, so at the end of this stare off the closes her piles of papers which I assume are filled with how messed up I am and says, “Is there anything else you think contributes to your anxiety?” I shake my head for a minute before finally breaking down. This is it I thought, That bitch finally is gonna get what she wants to know about me. The sexual assault she had her record for but the rest of my secrets; I was holding on to those with everything I had.

 

I didn’t even know I had those in me.  I crave perfection but her allowing me to have a little bit of it has helped a lot

I can make as many lists as I want because she knew there was more to it. That bitch knew there was something I was more afraid of then failing and man was she right.

Well well well

I can’t believe its been over a year since I got behind these keys.

I’m down my boyfriend of 5 years and best friend of 8, and all of my other school friends that I have had since I moved here, my parents got divorced and 40 pounds..

All of which happened in about 2 weeks (well except the 40 pounds)

I could focus on all I’ve lost but I’d rather focus on whats changed.

I have 4 new amazing best friends. They mean the whole world to me.

I’ve gained a whole new outlook on life, and what I’ve lost in inches and pounds I’ve gained in confidence and changed who I am as a person.

I was so lost. And I still have moments of grey and black, sometimes they’re frequent but sometimes, they’re not. And I always know theres a light on the other side.

I still have moment of having no worth but they are getting fewer and fewer and the less guys I talk to the better I feel. Being naked doesn’t interest me anymore. I want something real. I miss O so much but I do want to move on. Why wouldn’t I? At least try. See what its like. I’m just really picky but whats wrong with that? So what if I only talk to 2 guys a day and they ice me most of the time. No one else really interests me. O was the only person in the room for me and still is and I want that guy, not the guy who’s easy.